The Next Question
Have you ever been in conversation with someone and felt a small internal vibration in response to something they said? It’s like your instincts are giving you a little nudge, telling you that the conversation is not complete. Then, for countless reasons, we dismiss that internal alert and walk away, hit End, or Leave Meeting.
Fast forward a bit; same person, same topic of discussion and now an unfortunate realization that you each had wildly different takeaways from that original conversation. This provides your brain with the perfect setup to spiral. If your spirals look anything like mine, they involve getting defensive or beating yourself up. All the while continuing to assume that we know other person's thoughts and feelings.
How often is at least one of the spiraling thoughts, “I should have … “ or, “Why didn’t I . . .” Remember that little vibration from the original conversation, the fleeting nudge, the internal pause? What stops us from leaning into that feeling instead of dismissing it? What stops us from seeing that it’s an opportunity to get curious?
Spoiler alert: It’s us.
We stop ourselves because we are experts at getting in our own way.
I know this because I do this. Even I sometimes dismiss the nudge and I don’t want to brag, but I am very very good at getting in my own way. Like Black Belt level.
However, as a coach, it’s my job to be curious, acknowledge the nudge and ask the next question.
And I do. And it’s awesome!
This means that every day my clients and I get to experience the benefits of acknowledging the nudge, leaning into curiosity and asking the next question. And the one after that. And the one after that.
Like any skill, the more you do it the easier it becomes. It all starts with acknowledging that nudge. Let your curiosity start there. Instead of dismissing it, shake its hand and welcome it in. Curiosity will become your new favorite thing, like a fun cousin. They don’t need to call ahead because you’re always happy to see them.
This has been on my mind a lot lately because I've found leveraging curiosity in communication coming up frequently in my coaching sessions. It was coming up so frequently that I considered researching planetary alignment to see if some constellation that controls communication was out of wack. Ultimately, I figured that if one person in the class doesn’t understand the concept then it’s very likely that there are others. Also, I do not have the attention span to do astrological research. So, here we are.
A good place to start is by remembering what our Auntie Brene says, “Clear is kind.” Part of being clear is focusing on what you are saying. Another really important part is to be sure you are understanding and being understood.
Often, when coaching my clients through a situation, I will encourage them to not be afraid to ask the next question.
The next question is what comes after the initial exchange of information. You inform or make a request and the other person acknowledges it. This is typically the point at which we receive that gentle nudge to our psyche. It’s also the point at which you make a choice. You can leave it be and assume your perspective and expectations are fully understood, or you can ask the next question and be sure.
Your relationships, and sanity, heck even job satisfaction, are dependent on you being sure.
So what exactly is the next question?
One of the most common next questions in coaching is, “What else?” or “Can you tell me more about that?” The intent is to learn more, get a fuller picture of the situation, and challenge my conversation partner to go deeper into their thoughts, ideas and feelings.
Here’s a quick scenario that should lend more context to the idea of the next question.
Leader: I want you to take over Project XYZ.
Employee: Sounds good.
I’m pretty confident that most of us have been either or both of the people in this scenario and absolutely will be again. We walk away from this conversation assuming agreement. But no expectations have been set. In fact, no details have been discussed. We are setting ourselves and each other up for trouble down the line here.
Now, let's try asking the next questions.
Leader response: “Great. I appreciate you taking this on. How are you going to approach it?”
Do you see what happened there? Pretty cool, right? Now both people have the opportunity to establish alignment. It may take a bit more digging, a well-placed “Tell me more” can help keep the conversation moving toward ensuring the expectations have been thoroughly expressed and clarified.
Leveraging curiosity and asking the next question to improve communication is definitely not limited to the workplace. We are presented with opportunities to practice this skill every day, in all areas of our life.
Here are some examples:
The Parent Trap
Parent: Do you have homework?
Child: Yeah.
The I’m Not a Mind Reader
Partner 1: We need milk and eggs.
Partner 2: Okay.
The I Don’t Want to Say the Wrong Thing
Friend 1: How are you?
Friend 2: I’m okay.
If these resonate with you at all then I probably don’t even need to provide any narration around what each person is likely assuming in these scenarios. But, it’s fun so I'm going to do it anyway.
The Parent Trap
Parent: Do you have homework?
Child: Yeah.
The child actually has a plan for getting said homework completed, right?
The I’m Not a Mind Reader
Partner 1: We need milk and eggs.
Partner 2: Okay.
Partner 2 is going to go to the store and purchasing these items, right?
The I Don’t Want to Say the Wrong Thing
Friend 1: How are you?
Friend 2: I’m okay.
Great, Friend 2 needs no emotional support right now, right?
My assumption is that these assumptions may not be right, right? And these are all relationships where we want them to be. So let me be that little voice in your ear and encourage you to ask the next question.
What should the next question be in these situations? I'm asking you!
In fact, let’s help each other by commenting with some of your ideas for next questions to help each of these scenarios move from assumptions to understanding.
As always, please remember that you are not on your own. I am here and happy to help. Still hesitant to ask the next question? Use this link to schedule a free discovery call and we’ll work on next questions together.