Heartbreak and Aqua Net

My son is a real heartbreaker.  No, not like that. He would collapse into himself at the very suggestion of that.  He’s a heartbreaker in that my heart is breaking for him every day that I have to watch him navigate the emotional jungle that is middle school. Does anyone get through middle school unscathed?

While walking through this with him has been tricky at best and downright brutal most of the time, it has not been totally without reward. Loving the 13 year old in front of me has helped lend a bit of perspective and understanding to my own 13 year old self. This is for the both of us: 

‘To my very precious 13 year old self,

Let me start by saying, your hair looks great!  While it won’t hold up to the ever changing whims of the fashion world, people will still be talking about it when you’re 50. A word of advice, start collecting fun hair clips now as that shaved bit will be a bitch to grow out.  And remember the pain of re-growth every time you contemplate bangs.

Moving on . . .

I come bearing good news! In addition to your super cool hair, you also already possess the qualities that you will like most about yourself as an adult. Crazy, right? I know!  I’m sure that you cannot possibly imagine a time when all the most painful parts of being 13 actually become assets. And, yet, they most certainly will.  

I know you feel like you’re floundering. Everyday is met with new barbs and deepening insecurities. Those labels that feel like a series of small assaults on your person are indeed highlighting some of your strengths.  I know that right now it’s hard to see the upside of being criticized and called, “too sensitive,” “goody two shoes,” or for having a “smart mouth.”  

No way around it, those words are hurtful because they are meant to be. I could talk about how the people who are battering you with their words are actually acting themselves from a place of insecurity and often deep pain. Since recognizing that takes many many years of practice and therapy, let’s instead focus back on ourselves and how these people are actually highlighting our strengths.

Let’s start with you being too sensitive. They do manage to get this one partially correct. You are, indeed, very sensitive.  Isn’t that wonderful?!  It allows you to love people openly and without reservation whether you know them or not. Which does mean that, yes, you will forevermore be the one person in the family crying during movies. But, it does ultimately pay off for you because you have built an entire career on it. Being sensitive is a critical component of your coaching because it provides an endless well of empathy so you can hold space for your clients ensuring they feel seen and heard. It means that you don’t have to have lived their lives to recognize when they are hurting.  To this end I say lean into your sensitivity.  Cultivate even more sensitivity. Be extra when it comes to sensitivity.  Because really, is there even such a thing as being too sensitive? 

Next let’s tackle your status as a “goody two shoes.” This usually gets rolled out because you are doing your homework or reading a book, of your own free will. You also tend to be the teacher's pet.  Another weak attempt at a criticism. Being a teacher's pet resulted in you being given Little Women at the end of fifth grade which provided you with hours of soul nourishing peace. It fostered your love of reading and was the impetus of your move to New England after undergrad. At this point you have probably read Little Women at least 10 times and will likely read it 10 times more.  But I digress; being a goody two shoes and all that went into that label means that you are finding your sense of control in the chaos that characterizes your current home life. It means that you are learning to set boundaries that support your survival. And it means you are learning to identify who is safe and what healthy can look like. This is a wonderful coping mechanism.  It also helps that you are developing some really positive habits that will help open countless doors including those for higher education, professional development and many wonderful relationships. Wear that goody two shoes label proudly. Literally. Maybe you could get it on a t-shirt!  I promise, one day you’ll laugh at this one.

Finally, we get to your “smart mouth.”  Okay, so you are a bit brash and at times verbally explosive. You could definitely stand to soften your edges a bit.  That being said, it’s not all bad or I would not have included it. So much of what you are getting in trouble for is said in defense of yourself and others.  Please don’t lose that. Caring for others is essential to who you are. Do not let that light ever be hidden under those damn proverbial bushels. But, maybe you could work on being a bit less cutting towards people when pointing out their possible areas for development and errors in thinking? It’s not so much what you are saying as how you are saying it (and sometimes to whom you are saying it.) Fear not, after much practice we learn to embrace the use of a filter. Though, admittedly we will probably be working on this for the rest of our days. FYI, we’re totally okay with that.

Listen, sweet girl, I know that at 13 self-awareness is not easy to come by.  It’s much easier to simply accept what people tell us rather than taking time to sort out what is true and what is garbage. So, I will say this; please look for those things that make you happy and help you to feel whole. That is who you are and those are the things you will want to care for and treat as precious.  Those are the things that truly matter as they are your strengths and your greatest assets. Your only job right now is to identify those activities and behaviors that fill you with joy and comfort. Use those things as a blanket you wrap yourself in so you have some insulation and protection against the cold biting words of the people around you. Some of those people will be with you for years to come and some will drop off.  However, that is a letter in itself. 

I have one more thought then I will leave you to continuously rewind that one particular Depeche Mode song that to this day you can sing word for word; Here it is, please re-think the amount of hairspray you are currently using. Seriously, you are so incredibly flammable right now and the environment could really benefit from you putting down that can of Aqua Net.

Please keep loving, listening and caring.  You rock at it!

Much love,

You a.k.a. Me’

And so, come January 1st when everything around you is screaming, “New Year, New You,” push back. Acknowledge the same old amazing you that’s always been there! What reassurances does your 13 year old self need to hear? What soul nourishing activities do you need to bring back into your life? This is how we grow.

While you work on that, I’m going to find some Christmas lights, a cozy blanket and my well-loved copy of Little Women. 

Wishing you all much happiness and love this holiday season.